Reflections of the past

Often, a relationship stops being strictly personal. It becomes the reflection of an unresolved relationship. In fact, every relationship that escalates in intensity has entered the game of reflection. Two people no longer relate transparently. Repeated patterns from an earlier conflict emerge — one that was left unresolved, with no way out.

These relationships are as hard to end as they are to sustain. They carry the fatal appeal of being re-editions of complex primary bonds. Emotional escalation can be positive or negative. Sometimes it produces idolization, excessive admiration. Other times it produces anger, powerlessness, hatred.

The most common case appears before figures of authority, when the primary bond with parental authority was never well resolved. There, in front of any authority figure, a conflictive reaction arises: aggressive or admiring. What's complex is the unconscious emergence of each person's own issues. Each one insists on putting the problem outside, on blaming the other, instead of understanding the meaning of this relationship — a repetitive pattern, after all — showing up once again, now, in this way.

Ideally, one of the parties becomes aware of what's happening. From a more neutral place, they can untie the knot. They can take emotional distance and meet again the real person on the other side, instead of seeing in them only the reflection of an inner conflict. Achieving personal encounters, rather than reflecting unresolved patterns onto others, is far harder than it seems.

That's the true meaning of living in the present: not bringing yesterday into today.