Shame and hatred

“Hatred appears as an irrational strategy for restoring self-esteem.

”— Lytta Basset, Forgiveness

Whenever I feel ashamed, I seem to develop a need to restore my self-esteem. Whether I receive a poor grade at university, get valid feedback at work, or lose a game, I may feel insecure, exposed, and ashamed. Then, almost without realizing it, I begin looking for reasons to hate the person who triggered that discomfort in me. And, more often than not, I find them: the professor is unfair and explains the subject poorly; my boss fails to recognize my potential because he is egocentric; my opponent didn't deserve to win… And little by little, I start feeling better. I am no longer so insignificant; the problem lies with the other person.

How different the world might be if, whenever we began building arguments to justify our hatred toward someone, we could pause and recognize what lies beneath that feeling. Perhaps we would discover that, before hatred, there is shame, insecurity, pain, or a wound to our self-esteem. If we could tolerate that discomfort without needing to make the other person responsible for it, we might open up the possibility of relating to others differently.

We are in the desert, and temptation takes a thousand different forms. The next time it appears as hatred toward someone close to us, perhaps we can pause and have the courage to acknowledge our own vulnerability and the part we play in what we are feeling.