Admiration in the couple

Romantic relationships often begin with admiration. We are drawn to people who possess qualities we feel we lack. If we are shy, we may be attracted to someone confident. If we are fearful, to someone courageous. If finances are a challenge for us, to someone organized and capable. If we are highly dependent on our family, to someone independent.

And the reverse is also true. A confident person may admire the sensitivity of someone shy. A courageous person may appreciate the caution of someone more fearful. An independent person may be drawn to a partner's ability to build close and lasting relationships.

But couples do not stay the same. Over the years, each partner gradually takes on some of the qualities of the other. The shy person becomes more confident. The confident person becomes more reflective. The fearful person grows more courageous. The brave person becomes more prudent.

And this is often when a crisis can emerge.

What we once admired so deeply in the other person no longer seems so special because it has become part of us. At the same time, we begin to notice in our partner traits that also belong to us, but that we may not particularly like. It is as if our partner becomes a mirror reflecting parts of ourselves we would rather not see.

This is why some relationship crises are so challenging. It is not only that the other person has changed. It is also that they confront us with aspects of ourselves that we have not yet fully accepted.

Yet when we are able to recognize and integrate these different parts of ourselves—our strengths, our wounds, and our ways of protecting ourselves—the relationship can evolve. From that place, love has the opportunity to renew itself and move into a new stage that is deeper, richer, and more conscious.