The complaint

I love a little game that a couple of friends came up with: whenever one of them needs to complain, they have to stand on a chair. The other person stays down below and, no matter what the person on the chair says, always responds with the same thing: “Yes, I love you and I value you.”

I think it’s brilliant because it highlights a very common mechanism: when we don’t feel loved, appreciated, considered, or cared for, we complain. And very often, the complaint appears precisely when we feel we’re not receiving the love we need. But then a question arises: Do you not feel loved, or are you actually not loved? Because complaining isn’t going to solve a lack-of-love problem. Reproaching, insisting on being taken into consideration, or constantly demanding attention isn’t going to increase the love the other person feels for you. And if the answer is that you don’t feel loved, but you actually are loved, then perhaps the issue lies somewhere else. Maybe the way the other person expresses their affection doesn’t match the way you need to receive it. And in that case, perhaps the whole pattern of complaining needs to be reconsidered.

Perhaps, very often, behind my complaints, there isn’t really anger, but rather a much simpler and more vulnerable need: “I need to feel loved.” The next time I feel like complaining, maybe before I do, I could ask myself: “What do I really need? Am I complaining because something important is happening, or because I need to feel loved?” And if I’m able to recognize that, perhaps I can laugh a little at myself, say what I really need, and let go of the complaint.