Setting precedents

Just as, in the legal system, a court decision can set a precedent for similar cases in the future, in our relationships with our children — and perhaps in all our relationships — every action can also set a precedent. If you let your child sleep in your bed one night, probably because you are too tired to take them back to their room, your child will understand that this is something that is allowed. And they will probably try it again when they get the chance. If you allow your teenager to ride in the car wearing headphones while you drive them around like a chauffeur, that pattern may become established from then on. The same applies if you let them eat candy before dinner, put their feet on the table, stay out until 4 a.m., etc.

Every action sets a precedent for what comes next.

That is why it is so important, as parents, to anticipate what is coming. We can think ahead about the next stages and establish family rules before habits develop that, in the long run, we may not feel comfortable with or happy about. For example, as soon as those new, oversized headphones enter your home, BEFORE your child puts them on for the first time, you already have clear rules about how they can be used. You might explain, for instance, that they cannot lock themselves upstairs with the headphones at full volume, because then you have to go upstairs every time you need them to come to the table. If they are about to take food into their bedroom for the first time, BEFORE they do it, you explain that the room will end up full of crumbs and that eating there is not a good idea. In this way, you establish a precedent for all the future occasions when they might want to do the same thing.

This way, instead of waiting until a situation becomes frustrating and then trying to come up with a new rule, you stay one step ahead. You think about things before they happen and establish the rules of your home in advance. And when the rules are clear from the beginning, everyone experiences fewer conflicts and more peace. I believe the concept of “Be careful — this is going to set a precedent” is fundamental in parenting.

And, in my experience, when you keep this idea in mind, family life can unfold in a much more peaceful atmosphere.